Yale to Rick Scott: Thanks, But No Thanks
Posted April 04, 2016 04:55 am | Op-Ed
By
Diane Roberts
It’s springtime! and idiocy is in full Florida bloom.
The state Supreme Court just ruled that a disingenuous and dissembling solar energy initiative is good to go on this November’s ballot. The proposed amendment, “masquerading as pro-solar” (in the words of dissenting justice Barbara Pariente), is sponsored by utility companies.
Yes,
utility companies, those nice people who charge the
taxpayers for power plants they may not even build,
those great environmentalists who want solar about as
much as you want syphilis.
And speaking of embarrassing, the cops in Jupiter (the municipality, not the planet) have charged Donald Trump campaign manager Corey “Semtex” Lewandowski with battery.
At a news conference in one of Trump’s Florida golf clubs, the excitable Mr. L. grabbed and yanked reporter Michelle Fields, then with Breitbart News. He called her “delusional.” She showed her bruises on national TV.
Herr Drumpf defended his hitman, assuring America that Lewandowski is a “fine person.” Besides, Fields appeared threatening. She was brandishing a pen as though she had a constitutional right — what if that pen was actually “a little bomb”?
And even if it was only a pen, Herr Drumpf said darkly, “Pens can be very dangerous.”
Meanwhile, somewhere on his private jet, Florida’s governor, whose distinguished academic career includes a BS in Bidness Adminnerstratin’ with Honors in Medicare Fraud from a satellite campus of the University of Missouri, had him a Genius Idea.
Move Yale University to Florida.
See, some of those commies in the Connecticut State Legislature wanted to tax the university’s big, fat ($26 billion) endowment. Rick Scott, as is his witless wont, promptly invited every person or entity to move to Florida, including one of the oldest and best universities in America.
Said Scott: “This would add yet another great university to our state.”
Indeed. Because why wouldn’t the 315-year-old alma mater of five U.S. presidents (six when Hillary Clinton gets elected), 20 Nobel laureates, 32 Pulitzer Prize winners, and 17 Supreme Court justices want to join the distinguished likes of the Universities of North, West, Central and South Florida?
Yale could lease part of Universal Studios’ “Wizarding World of Harry Potter” and feel right at home, since they’re used to old stone buildings with towers and crap like that. Bet the roof on Hogwarts in Orlando is in better shape than the one on Connecticut Hall.
Or Yale could set up shop in Daytona: reclaim some of those beach motels and merge with Trump University.
What with various attorneys general calling TU a “rip-off,” a “scam” and other mean things, Florida will surely become its home. In the time-honored fashion that has made our state a byword across the nation, our AG, Pam BlondBarbie, accepted a fat check from Herr Drumpf, backed off investigating his “educational” ventures (never mind those consumer complaints) and then endorsed him for president.
We call this “Southern Charm.”
So far, Yale refuses to countenance Scott’s perfectly sensible plan. Talking very, very slowly, the way you would to a developmentally disabled labradoodle, a university spokesperson said that they were flattered, of course, but on the whole, Yale prefers to stay put.
Some of those damned Yankees were less polite: “I don’t think that Yale would want to trade all of those beautiful ivy-covered walls for the humidity, alligators and mildew in Florida.”
Well, New England may have ivy, but we have kudzu. Y’all may have world-class libraries, but we have the Possum Festival in Wausau. You may have centuries of excellence, but we have Spring Break in Panama City Beach.
Hey, maybe y’all could find room for FSU up there?
Diane Roberts teaches at Florida State University in Tallahassee. Her new book is “Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America." Column courtesy of Context Florida.
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This piece was reprinted by the Columbia County Observer with permission or license.